Mostly, this blog post is way to avoid all the housework I have to do, the CV I need to work on and the kitty-litter I need to change, but I also felt it brewing inside me, like it was going to bubble up and spill over if I didn't get it out, making a colossal mess.
I have cried with envy on 3 separate occassions this christmas. All at pregnancy announcements. I am so angry at myself for letting it bother me. I didn't want to be that person, I didn't want to begrudge anyone else happiness because I've had some crappy luck. So many of my friends are pregnant at the moment, and I am thrilled for them and I don't even think twice about it. The bump pics on facebook are lovely to see, and I am so excited to be part of their lives. But those announcements this last week- wow.
None of them were by close friends, more acquaintances. I'm not quite sure how they impacts on it all, but it is certainly a factor. I want to shout how unfair it is, how this should be me with the 'happy new year, especially for us since...' type announcement, not the girl who hasn't finished uni yet and with the boyfriend living in another city. When I am feeling rational and calm and full of tea instead of wine, I feel guilty and rather ashamed of myself for feeling jealous or envious or angry or annoyed or whatever it is that boils over in hot, angry tears quickly brushed away.
The really odd thing about the envy is that we're not 'trying again' as everyone politely puts it. We will, at some point, but for now it's on hold. I want to get a job. I would personally feel dishonest starting a job pregnant and wouldn't be able to find one if I was honest about it. So it has to wait. We're both really ok with this decision. We discussed it for a long time, and it was the right thing to do. I LOVED my boozy christmas (although I'm not sure my liver did...) and I am very much enjoying our rather selfish lifestyle at the moment. (I'm not sure exactly how much bearing the fact that pregnancy will mean husband will have to change the cat litter instead of me had on his feelings, but I suspect pretty high.) This is definitely the best course of action.
That is the duality of man, I suppose, cursed to never really be fully content with what you have, but rather to seek that greener grass. I'm sure it will pass. These things always do. I wanted to write it out in an attempt to normalise it a bit further. I found some amazing blog posts written by others when I was struggling, and it made such a difference to me knowing I wasn't alone. I read a few miscarriage forums, and they are really dark places. I have never felt the way most of the way those ladies felt. I didn't 'lo(o)se my angel', rather had a pregnancy end. I don't feel the need to have a winged, fluttering avatar marking time, or curse those 'awful' people who had the indecency to not read my mind but rather used some-what tired platitudes that, to me, show how desperately someone is trying to say the right thing. But some lovely, honest, hope-filled blog posts by some talented writers made me feel like things would get better. They are better. Every day they improve a little more. So on the first proper day of 2013, after the chocolate is finished and I'm contemplating taking down the Christmas tree, I'm feeling pretty good. I'll feel even better after another cup of tea.