I am positively giddy with glee at the prospect of telling you this astonishingly true story. It is SO Hollywood, and nothing Hollywood ever happens in Westwood, which is full of sun-worshipping academics, a strange breed that reads hefty books about the Korean War in swimwear.
It was super hot again today (35 degrees) so I sat by the pool waiting for my laundry to finish. A blonde lady I’ve seen a few times on the loungers appeared. She is probably in her 40s, but is so plastic it’s a bit hard to tell. She dresses like she’s 13 and it is 1989- the ‘stacey’ fluffy blond perm, TEENY floral bikini, tiny whitewash denim cut-offs and sugar pink lipstick. This is fairly entertaining to start with. It is made all the more entertaining by the fact I have a partner in crime, Elise, a newly qualified nurse who lives 3 doors down and is from Chicago and also thinks LA is a little bit ridiculous.
The lady blasts teeny-bopper music out of her iphone. This makes Elise and I snigger behind Instyle magazine. She sings along, slightly off key, at the top of her voice. She dances along too, wiggling her limbs disturbingly as she sunbathes on her back with a bright pink towel over her face. Every so often she exclaims ‘Girls, it is SO HOT, why is it so hot in October?’ We agree that it is indeed very hot, and sadly we do not know why.
She bolts upright, then starts making a call. That is when things got really ridiculous. She starts talking a mile a minute, telling the poor recipient how great his body was. Elise and I catch each other’s eye, then bury our heads in our magazines, scared we will actually laugh out loud this time. The point of the call quickly becomes apparent- “Dale, I want you back in movies. It’s time. I have a great part for you, only thing, they want you to be butt-naked.” Elise and I look at each other, eyes popping out of our head. “No, no, honey, just your back-butt. Back-butt naked.” Elise and I are now shaking with silent laughter. “It’s a love scene. You’re a yoga instructor. It’s perfect.” I mouth ‘what the hell?!’ to Elise, she shrugs, still struggling not to laugh out loud. Dale the yoga instructor agrees to be back-butt naked in the movie and she hangs up. ‘Girls, I’m an agent. He will be great. It’s a LOVE scene. He’s a YOGA INSTRUCTOR” (I still have no idea why these two things are related…)”You girls know what I love? To make money!!” She wiggles around in a sort of dance again, singing loudly about plastic bags in the wind along with Katy Perry. “OOHH! He sent me back-butt pictures for the casting agent. Want to see?!”
Elise and I quietly say ‘No thanks…’ to scared to look at each other or directly at her. The bouncy lady decides it’s time to go inside. “Darling girls, it is TOO HOT for October. I’m gonna shower. I had so much fun with you!!” She wiggles herself back into her little cut-offs and sashays down the stairs. We wait until we see her cross the courtyard before descending into helpless, uncontrollable laughter. ‘This city is weird’ Elise says to me. She is right.